practicewithlisa

Last night didn’t seem real. I slept two hours. Haarlem threw up and had a horrible upset stomach ALL night. He had to go outside three times. He didn’t finally lay down until around 4am. My eyes didn’t shut until around 4:30. I was shaking I was so aggravated. Insomnia is absolutely one of the worst parts about this skin process.
So you’re saying I have to have hot red burning flaking tight dry itching embarrassing skin AND I can’t even get a break at the end of the day and just fall asleep? I can’t recuperate from a long day of working, yoga, taking care of my finicky dogs all the while trying not to scratch my annoying skin? 

Five months of my life, down the drain in flakes of skin and blood and ooze. Five months, just wasted away on sleepless nights crying into my pillow that’s covered in a towel. 150 days spent hiding out avoiding public at almost all costs. 3,600 hours in misery, just pure torture. Almost half a year so far spent in pain trying to have a positive attitude and come out on the other side stronger; yet every time I feel like I might have healed a bit or gotten stronger I fall back two steps. Every fucking time. I’m sure I have another six or so months left of this “life”. It doesn’t really feel like living like I want though, I’m just existing.

I want to be able to wake up and wear whatever I want. I don’t want to spend my first thirty minutes of every day tending to my skin and looking at myself in the mirror with disgust. I want to be able to make plans and stick with them because my skin won’t change drastically by the next day. I want to teach yoga. I want to volunteer at the Rec Center. I want to go see Gio at work, then have brunch with my girlfriends. I want to swim in the ocean in a bikini. I want to wear tank tops ANY day I want. I want to put on make up if I feel like it. I want to sleep great and wake up feeling rested.

And I shall, soon enough.
Until then I’ll continue to vent, cry, laugh about it, learn more about it and myself, try to rest and heal and I’ll continue to grow stronger.

…until then.